Jack Off His Beanstalk
This high-energy script features slapstick and physical comedy, with the farce-like nature a fun challenge for performers. Also featured within is the If I Was Not Upon The Stage routine and 'bucket' loads of audience participation in the milking scene!
CHARACTERS
Jack- Our dashing, unlikely hero. A poor village boy who can't believe his luck.
Jill - Our damsel in distress. An innocent heroine who has had a sheltered upbringing.
King Tallywacker - A loving father and honourable king Completely out of his depth.
Shitbrain Simon - Lovable and energetic, but thick as f*ck.
Dame Dotty Dickmunch - Jack and Simon's dirty mum. The usual poor, desperate widow.
Fleshlight - Servant to the giant. In love with him. Torments the villagers for cash.
Slap - Fleshlight's henchman. The nerdy brains behind the operation.
Tickle- Fleshlights henchwoman. The muscle in the operation (definitely not the brains).
Fairy Bits - A drunken state in an ill-fitting dress. Inappropriate understudy.
Milkers - Unhappy with her part. Deadpan.
EXCERPT FROM ACT I SCENE TWO: THE CHEEKY DIGITSVILLE VILLAGE FETE © Oh Yes It Is Pantos.
JILL: Oh Jack, I've never tried bum fun before.
JACK: Oh I have, many times. I tried keeping track of how many times digitally, but I couldn't because it's anal log.
JILL: If I was a dinosaur, I'd be a mega-sore-ass!
JACK: And that's killed the mood.
JILL: Oh Jack, will I ever see you again?
JACK: You'll probably see millions of me swimming around in your shit for the next few days. Wait a second, there seems to be something stuck up your arse.
Jack pulls out a cheque.
JACK: It's a cheque for one thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine pounds!
JILL: Oh, I knew I wasn't feeling too grand!
REVIEWS:
'Another brilliant adult panto!'
'Fantastic panto! Funniest one yet!'
'A belly laugh of a show!'
'My jaw ached from laughing!'
PERFORMED BY:
Hedge End Adult Pantos, April & May 2025
© Copyright Oh Yes It Is Pantos 2025.
All rights reserved.
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